Good feeling! I just completed my yearly health and wellness checkup, recommended and paid for by Medicare after you reach a certain age. My doc doesn’t have much bedside manner, but I like his professional approach. Don’t think he found much wrong. Here’s how it went.

Doc: Today, we’ll start your annual physical by testing your memory.

Me: Great! Let’s get going.

Doc: I’m going to give you three words to remember. The words are: captain, garden, picture. Could you repeat them?

Me: Captain, garden, picture.

Doc: Great! I’ll ask you to remember them later.

Doc: Now, let’s test your memory of elementary school. How do you spell Mississippi?

Me: The state or the river?

Doc: (pause) Never mind . . . Look, I want you to look at this clock face and I’ll tell you a time to draw on it. Could you draw the hands to indicate 10 minutes after 11?

Me: Would that be daylight time or standard time?

Doc: Well, it doesn’t really make any difference.

Me: AM or PM?

Doc: (pause) Either one.

Me: (I write the numbers: 11:10).

Doc: That’s correct, but I actually wanted you to draw the clock hands.

Me: But I only use a digital watch.

Doc: Forget it. Now, can you remember the words I mentioned a while ago?

Me: Sure: Corporal, lawn, painting

Doc: Close enough. Maybe we should move on to your medication list. It says here you take Prilosec every day, correct?

Me: Yes, except on Sundays, holidays, or sometimes I forget. And some days I cut it in half and take one in the morning and one in the evening.

Doc: You cut the capsule in half? Why?

Me: I don’t want to overdose. I pour out the little things into a glass of water.

Doc: It’s supposed to be timed release

Me: Yes. I drink the water slowly.

Doc: (eyeroll). Do you take your allopurinol every day?

Me: It’s for gout isn’t it?

Doc: Yep

Me: So yes, I take it when my gout kicks up.

Doc: It’s supposed to control your uric acid so you won’t have flare ups. You need to take it daily.

Me: Right. But I don’t have many flare ups, so I just take it when it flares up.

Doc: Are you taking your metropolol every day?

Me: How often am I supposed to take it?

Doc: 75 mg. in the morning and 75 mg in the evening.

Me: I take it every morning but I only take half a pill in the evening. And I usually skip every other evening. I don’t want to over-medicate.

Doc: (Pause.) Let’s talk about your heart now. Are you eating heart-healthy foods?

Me: I heard you’re supposed to eat protein when you eat sugar, to deal with the free radicals or whatever, so whenever I eat meat, I eat a candy bar. I’ve gotten so I really like it.

Doc: Hmmm. What about carbohydrates?

Me: I know I shouldn’t eat too many sugary pastries, but I love caramel long johns. So I only eat them when I’m really happy. Or sometimes when I’m depressed. Actually, they taste terrific in-between times too. Helps my general mood.

Doc: Do you eat from the four food groups?

Me: Yeah. My wife’s all over that. But I have different groups than she does.

Doc: (Silence) How much do you exercise?

Me: I joined the Y five years ago, paid the yearly fee and hope to start going soon.

Doc: Well, I guess our time’s up. I’m ordering a colonoscopy for you. You don’t really need it but I don’t like you very much.

Me: Oh; sorry. See you next year, Doc!