Tag Archives: Wingspread

Wingspread Ezine for September, 2023

Please forward and share this E-zine with others. Thank you.

  • Blessed Unbeliever now available in Australia!
  • Writer’s Corner
  • New story
  • This month’s puzzler
  • Wingspread Ezine subscription information
  • Wisdom

BLESSED UNBELIEVER novel

The novel was written partly for people of nonfaith. I am happy some have read it and commented on it. I am thrilled that Koorong, largest Christian book publisher in Australia, will distribute Blessed Unbeliever.

Blessed Unbeliever (paper or Kindle version) can be found at Wipf and Stock Publishers, Amazon https://a.co/d/9su5F3o or wherever good books are sold.

Tip for writers: After finishing your rough draft, label each paragraph with an italicized word or phrase at the beginning of each paragraph. For example, Sally meets John. Use WORD “outline” mode and select “first line only.” You will see only the first lines of all your paragraphs, including your italicized labels. Easy now to see the structure of your piece, and to move paragraphs around to create a better flow.

Word of the month: SKIPLAGGING. Refers to air travel. You book a through flight with one stop in-between and you get off at the in-between stop. The airlines don’t like this because sometimes they lose money.

I asked which five books you would take if stranded on a desert island: I dunno, but here are my ideas of books and authors: Bible, Cadfael Chronicles by Ellis Peters, Henry Noewen, Charles Dickens, C.S. Lewis.

Really though—if you’re an atheist you need church as much as believers do! Behold, all the benefits of churchgoing—singing, making friends, potlucks, social service, moral guidance, coming of age rituals (e.g., confirmation, graduation), social intensification rituals (e.g., births, baptisms, weddings, funerals). You may find a loving, accountability group (e.g., Christian AA) that offers hope instead of despair. You will find a good job-seeker network. A support group for life crises. A place to get married or buried. A place that offers meaning to your life. You might even find free babysitting! You can have all these things without abandoning atheism because so much of church life does not demand any belief in the supernatural

Turns out that churchgoing is good for your health. A 2020 study published in the International Journal of Epidemiology reported that church attenders had a 26% reduced risk of dying and a 34% lower risk of heavy drinking. Church attendance was also associated with less anxiety, depression, hopelessness and loneliness. Church attenders lean toward healthy family and community behaviors. You’ll find good mentors who will hold you accountable and give you honest critique. If you’re older, just getting out of the house and doing something—anything—is good for you. If you’re younger, hey, it might be worth going just to make your parents happy! . . .To read more, click herehttps://jimhurd.com/2023/08/31/churched-atheists/   Leave a comment on the website and share with others. Thanks.

Adapted from Car Talk Puzzler archives

Here is a list of six words.

  • Mother
  • Father
  • Cousin
  • Uncle
  • Brother
  • Aunt

Which one of these words does not belong, and why?
 

(Answer will appear in next month’s WINGSPREAD newsletter.)

Answer to last month’s puzzler: 

Remember that a man’s son asked about hitting 160 miles per hour in both the Mustang and the BMW. How did the man know that the BMW would not hit that speed, and that the Mustang would?

Because when he looked down at the speedometer, he also looked at the tachometer.  Both of these cars redline at about 6000 RPM. So, at 60 miles an hour which he was traveling at that time, the BMW was doing 3100 RPMs. And he knew that at 120 miles an hour, it would be beyond the redline and incapable of doing 160 miles an hour. 

And the Mustang he was driving at 60 miles an hour was doing less than 2000 RPM. It was running around 1750 at 60 miles per hour. So at that point, he knew that this car could possibly get to 160 without redlining. 

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Click here https://jimhurd.com/home/ to subscribe to this WINGSPREAD ezine, sent direct to your email inbox, every month. You will receive a free article for subscribing. Please share this URL with interested friends, “like” it on Facebook, retweet on Twitter, etc.

If you wish to unsubscribe from this Wingspread Ezine, send an email to hurd@usfamily.net and put in the subject line: “unsubscribe.” (I won’t feel bad; promise!) Thanks.

How many of these 21st century words do you know?

  • Particularity
  • Intersectionality
  • BLM
  • Cancel culture
  • Othering
  • Rewilding
  • Phubbing
  • Skiplagging
  • Social Media acronyms
    • ICYMI
    • IMHO
    • LOL, LMAO, LMFAO, ROFL, IJBOL
    • FOMO
    • GOAT
    • YOLO

You knew somebody would think of this sooner or later . . .

While there are many, here is one person’s list of the Top 20 Yogi-isms*:
  1. “When you come to a fork in the road…. take it.”
  2. “You can observe a lot by just watching.”
  3. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
  4. “We made too many wrong mistakes.”
  5. “No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.”
  6. “I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.”
  7. “Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.”
  8. “In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.”
  9. “Pair up in threes.”
  10. “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
  11. “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
  12. “I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.”
  13. “If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.”
  14. “You don’t have to swing hard to hit a home run. If you got the timing, it’ll go.”
  15. “Ninety percent of the game is half mental.”
  16. “Never answer an anonymous letter.”
  17. “Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.”
  18. “Take it with a grin of salt.”
  19. “It gets late early out here.”
  20. “I never said most of the things I said.”

*Yogi Berra played catcher for 18 seasons with the New York Yankees.

Happy reading and writing!

Searching for Mr. Texas

(adapted from Wingspread: A Memoir of Faith and Flying by James P. Hurd)

The sun has riz, the sun has set, and we is still in Texas yet.

My Uncle John from Amarillo, Texas wasn’t a Fundamentalist. Actually, he wasn’t named John, he wasn’t my uncle, and he wasn’t originally from Texas. I thought I knew him when I was a child, but trying to understand him took up most of my adult life. Recently I quizzed my brother and sisters, scanned through old photographs, Googled his name and searched for information about the Texas Panhandle, all trying to find out who he was. A long search.

John’s real name was Clien John Fowlston but he didn’t like Clien so he always went by John. He was born in Dubuque, Iowa and only later moved to Texas. He was nephew to my grandmother Loretta (he called her “Aunt Ret”).

I wonder about John’s brief first marriage—he never talked about it. But I remember his second wife, Syble—a tall woman, her silver-gray hairbun held tight with a black comb. Texas bred, she had a clear complexion and beautiful, soulful eyes that oozed Texas upper-class grace. Reserved but easy to talk to, she exercised a civilizing influence on John. “Johnny, why don’t you change your shirt?” or, “Johnny, why do you give presents to one child and not to all of them?” or, “Johnny, don’t shout.”

We always anticipate Uncle John and Aunt Syble’s driving up to our house in a Cadillac or Lincoln. (He isn’t burdened with a conservationist conscience. He says, “I always try to buy the car that uses the most gasoline.”) John brings each of us things, like a big Eisenhower silver dollar or ten dollars “to spend on whatever you want.” He brings me a tennis racket (a sport I will enjoy into my sixties). Our family of seven never goes out to eat except when Uncle John takes us to Mrs. Knott’s Chicken Restaurant at Knott’s Berry Farm, an amazing world of tastes and smells.

Uncle John stands six-foot-two and has pale skin and disheveled white hair. His Texas hat complements his gravelly voice. He wears cowboy boots (no spurs) and a belt with a silver buckle around his ample middle, the epitome of a prosperous Texan cattleman. He holds his lips somewhere between a smile and a grimace and when he laughs he says, “Keeesh, keeesh.” He’s loud and Horatio Alger optimistic. He intimidates.

In California John seems exotic . He walks with too much swagger, talks too loudly and is too conservative, even for Dick Nixon’s Orange County. He’s an uneducated millionaire and seems puzzled that other people are not wealthy. He boasts, “After I left fifth grade, I learned everything else that I needed to know by myself.”

But, like the panda bear or the Komodo dragon, one can best understand John in his native habitat—Dumas, Texas. He sits at his massive desk on the fifth floor of the Amarillo building where a sign on his desk reads, “C. J. Fowlston, Investment Counselor.”

I remember preparing to travel to Dumas, our longest family vacation. Long before first light we leave Orange, California in our light-green Ford station wagon packed with all our food for the trip (we don’t do restaurants) and with “gospel bomb” tracts wrapped in red cellophane which we will throw at pedestrians. We join historic Highway 66 near San Bernardino and follow it all the way—Barstow, Needles, Flagstaff, Winslow. We cross the Mojave Desert in the cool of the morning before the burning sun rises. Mother first knew the great Mojave as a small child, when Grandfather drove her and his whole family from South Dakota to California in his new Model T. Their constant quest for water dominated his trip journal. Today the Mojave still challenges us, especially Mother. A canvas water bag hangs on the front bumper and Mother drapes a water-soaked cloth in the passenger window to help with the heat. At night we pull into a miserable little motel in Gallup, New Mexico. The screens are ripped and the floors uneven. But Mother bursts into tears when she finds out how much it costs. Dad packs us up and moves on to a humbler motel.

It takes forever to get to Texas. We roll through Gallup, Albuquerque, Tucumcari and finally into Amarillo. In 1857, Ned Beale used camels to map out this route along the old Santa Fe Trail. The 1880s railroad line followed the Beale Wagon Road and eventually so did Route 66, America’s “Main Street.” Just thirty years before our Texas trip, haggard dust bowl survivors trekked westward along this same highway, traveling in wheezing, radiator-boiling cars piled high with all their belongings. In California I went to elementary school with their kids—we called them “Okies and Arkies.” They wore overalls and smelled your crotch when someone farted. We didn’t like them.

You can’t tell Texas is coming but the mountains and mesas of New Mexico gradually morph into undulating plains as we enter the Panhandle. When we pass the vast ranches and the horse-headed oil donkeys, I wonder, Does the Panhandle produce anything besides oil and cattle? Bold, proud, independent, self-made Texas. She doesn’t even seem to notice we’ve come.

We finally arrive at Uncle John’s ranch, drive through the gate with the cast-iron brand “Derrick Ranch” overhead and park in front of the brick rambler. John and Syble emerge with a warm welcome and soon we’re sipping sweet tea in their living room. A photo hangs on the wall—it’s John and Syble in Egypt, astride camels, with the pyramids in the background. But the heart of the house is behind. A massive wooden door, carved in Taos, New Mexico, opens into a huge rec room with knotty pine walls. A sign hangs over the bar—”No drinking before 5:00 p.m.” Mother doesn’t approve of Uncle John’s drinking. Windows on all sides give a view of the vast, watered cornfields. I can see cows stretching their necks over the fence.

Uncle John introduces me to Texas racism. He boasts, “There isn’t a n— in all of Potter County.” Amarillo is scrubbed clean of African Americans and most Mexicans, people that John tars with the same brush. He once asked my brother-in-law who worked at United Airlines, “Do any n—s or ch—s work there?” Rich replied, “Well, some black people and Chinese people work there.” One time my friend Dave and I were traveling Route 66 from Chicago to California, and after driving way too long without sleep, we stopped to see Uncle John in Amarillo. He immediately delivered his ultimate insult—“You California drivers are worse than Mexican drivers.” Before he would talk to us, he installed us in an Amarillo motel and demanded that we sleep.

Today, John and Syble take our family to fish and swim at Conchas Dam near Tucumcari. We squeeze slices of white bread into little doughballs and plunge the hook into them, hoping to catch some tiny bluegill for Syble to fry up. John seems to want all of us to have a good time. He walks around the dock in swim trunks tied over his pear-shaped body. He’s bare-chested, with drooping dugs and white chest hair. He has a giant appetite, especially for beef and pork, and in later years will suffer from the gout.

Back at the ranch, John maintains four thousand head of polled Hereford cattle that are destined to feed the hungry maws of the likes of McDonald’s and Burger King. The cows come right up to the fence where I can feel their warm breath. I see John out in the field holding my little sister’s hand while she stands atop a huge bull. He lets us ride his cow ponies, one of which runs away with my sister Mary. Mine takes a sharp turn, but I don’t—I fly off and thud to the ground. When I use his .22 to shoot at groundhogs and rabbits, I don’t hit anything so I switch to a shotgun. In the barn we play on the hay bales and dive into the grain.

One evening John invites dozens of booted cattlemen to eat huge beefburgers that he personally grills in the backyard. He warns, “If the insides aren’t bright red, it’s ruined.” He takes us to the gas and oil museum and points out a sign along a rural road that says, “First Oil Strike in Texas.” Then we drive out north of Dumas to the Amarillo Country Club. I don’t see any people of color, except for the waitstaff.

Mother tries to witness to Uncle John. He attends church sporadically, but he isn’t saved. For our family, being saved was like being pregnant—you either are or you aren’t. Most people we know aren’t. We Fundamentalists don’t smoke, drink or go to the movies. (I will later go to my first movie at age twenty-two.) We suspect Uncle John is Episcopal, not out of spiritual hunger but because of his social status. He says, “Those Fundamentalist radio preachers are all crooks!” Our family frequently prays he will get saved.

Uncle John may have been intelligent but the smartest thing he did was arranging to be born at exactly the right time—1901. The twentieth century gave us automobiles, airplanes, factories and two World Wars, all dependent on massive doses of petroleum. In 1918 the Amarillo Oil Company sunk the “No. 1 Masterson” in the lime, granite and dolomite sediments of the Texas Panhandle. It was soon producing ten million cubic feet of natural gas daily and became the forerunner of the greatest gas field in the world.

Perfect timing for John. When John turned fifteen, his family had left Dubuque, Iowa, for Tulsa to work in the nascent oil fields. Oil lust grew and the oil and gas industry revved up to satisfy the appetites of thousands of automobiles and later thousands of warplanes. After ten years in Tulsa and a detour to work the oil fields in Venezuela, John moved to Amarillo to work in the Panhandle fields and rode the oil gusher to the top floor of one of Amarillo’s office buildings where he became a successful investment counselor. I once sat in his office and heard him say on the phone: “The uranium mine seems good? Okay—buy a hundred shares.”

When we finally depart, Uncle John presents us with a plain white, fat envelope. “Don’t open this until the New Mexico border,” he orders. What’s in the envelope? We speed to the border, pull over to the side of the road, open it, and find enough cash to finance most of our trip. John has scrawled on a piece of paper, “Stay in a good motel. Buy a good Mexican dinner in Santa Fe. Detour up to Taos to see the three-story adobe Indian village.” We obey.

Later, when I am a student in Chicago, Uncle John frequently sends me pages of the Amarillo Globe-Times by third-class mail, underlined, annotated and then rolled up and taped. He always encloses a handwritten letter so he doesn’t have to pay first-class postage. Even when he types his letters I can hardly read them because of their elliptical sentences, missing characters, sparse punctuation and hurried scrawl. I try to decipher them and send a postcard back.

After I am married, I remember telephoning Uncle John to tell him that Barbara and I are adopting our first child (Kimberly) from Costa Rica. I can almost feel him stiffen.

“Are you gonna get a white one?”

“No. I think we’re gonna get a brown one.”

“What’s wrong with a white one?”

“Nothing, but we like variety.”

“Well, the rest of the world doesn’t!”

Yet when we visit him in his old age he warmly receives us, along with our two adopted children from Colombia. He takes us to a rib joint and put us up in a motel. He drives us out to the ranch (but not to the country club). This is the last time I see Uncle John.

John gave us great gifts. A long time ago, he moved my uncles’ coffins. Mother’s brother Calvin died from the fever on their South Dakota homestead in the winter of 1917 when he was two and his older brother, Jamie, nine, died two months later. Grandpa put their coffins in a snow bank and then in the spring after the frost left the ground, buried them in Bonita Springs. Later, Uncle John exhumed the coffins and moved them to Hopkinton, Iowa, near the graves of others in the family. It was a touching act and one of the first stories I heard about Uncle John.

Recently I call Joyce Perkins in Amarillo, a kind woman who for over thirty years has faithfully administered the C. J. and Syble Fowlston Trust. She tells me, “The trust still provides money to Cal Farley’s Ranch for Boys near Amarillo. Their motto is ‘a shirttail to hang onto.’ And, because of John’s interest in The Lawrence Welk Show, I send some money every month to KACV-TV, our local PBS station.”

So, who is Uncle John? Is he “Mr. Texas,” a self-taught and self-made man of the world, a loud, opinionated, rich oil- and cattleman with only a fifth-grade education who rose to be a millionaire? Is he a racist, politically somewhere to the right of Rush Limbaugh? He’s all of these. Yet I remember with gratitude his steady interest in our family, his monthly stipends to us while later we were missionaries in Latin America and especially remember his warm welcome for us at Derrick Ranch. Uncle John, peace to your memory.

WINGSPREAD Ezine for April 2023


Spreading your wings in a perplexing world

April 2023                                                    James P. Hurd

Please forward and share this E-zine with others. Thank you.

Contents

  • Blessed Unbeliever published!
  • Writer’s Corner
  • New story
  • This month’s puzzler
  • Wingspread Ezine subscription information
  • Wisdom

BLESSED UNBELIEVER is on the shelves!

In Blessed Unbeliever, Sean McIntosh lives in a California world of Fundamentalist certainty—until that world unravels. Now he’s shaken by contradictions in the Bible. Plus he’s trying to make sense of losing his girlfriend and losing his dream of becoming a missionary pilot. His despair leads him to commit a blasphemous act while at Torrey Bible Institute, Chicago. But, despite his honest attempt at atheism, grace pursues.

Blessed Unbeliever (paper or Kindle version) can be found at Wipf and Stock Publishers, Amazon https://a.co/d/9su5F3o or wherever good books are sold.

Writer’s Corner

Word of the Month: TYPESET or GALLEY version. The book is laid out, formatted and returned to the author for final corrections. (I found 100 errors in the typeset version of Blessed Unbeliever!)

Tip of the month: It’s helpful to sketch out your whole book. For each chapter or section, briefly list major scenes, major characters and major events, and maybe even the weather! This allows you to see the whole topography of your chronology and plot. Even Charles Dickens did this.

Author of the month: CHARLES DICKENS

Born in Portsmouth in 1812, Dickens saw his whole family sent to debtors’ prison while he himself was apprenticed to hard labor with a bootblack. His difficult life informed several of his novels (Pickwick Papers, David Copperfield, Hard Times, Bleak House).  The epitaph at his tomb in Poets’ Corner, Westminster Abbey reads: “. . . He was a sympathiser with the poor, the suffering, and the oppressed; and by his death, one of England’s greatest writers is lost to the world.”

Book of the month: Dickens based David Copperfield partly on the struggles in his own life. Here, he created one of his most infamous characters: the “‘umble” Uriah Heep.

Your turn: Who is the most interesting character you’ve ever read about, biographical or fictional? Why? (I’ll list some of these in the next ezine.)

New story: Muleticos: A graceful disaster

In Thee we trust, whate’er befall;
Thy sea is great, our boats are small.

—Henry van Dyke, from “O Maker of the Mighty Deep”

I see Muleticos airstrip appear from behind a hill—my last stop for the day. I test the brake pedals—they’re firm. Here in northwest Colombia the tiny grass airstrips dotting the landscape appear more like pastures than runways. Airstrips that most pilots would eschew. Turns out I should have eschewed Muleticos that day.

To read more, click here: Muleticos: A graceful disaster | Wingspread (jimhurd.com)    

(Leave a comment on the website and share with others. Thanks.)

This month’s puzzler: Ralph on a Jet Plane

Adapted from Car Talk Puzzler archives

Ralph, an auto mechanic, has to catch a flight late on a Friday night after a long workday but he’s forgotten to bring his change of clothes. So he changes into a crisp new mechanics uniform that he finds in the shop.

When he walks through security the metal detector alarm sounds. So the guard goes, “Excuse me, sir, would you kindly empty the contents of your pockets?”

So, Ralph empties his pockets. Puts all his stuff in the little tray. Wallet, keys,  everything. He tries to walk through again, but the alarm goes off again. So they ask him to remove any jewelry he has or his belt and try to walk through again. He does that and then walks through a third time. And the alarm goes off, for the third time. 

So finally, the guard looks at him and says, “What do you do for a living?”

And Ralph says, “I’m a mechanic, I fix cars.”

The guard smiles and says, “Oh; that explains it.”

So, what’s happening here? Hint: it wasn’t just auto repair mechanics that were having this issue. And remember, this was a long time ago, so this issue never happens now. But it happened then.

(Answer in next month’s Wingspread ezine.)

Last month’s puzzler. Recall the three candidates for a detective job. The head detective gives them a test, with a clue in one of the town’s libraries “stuck inside a book between pages 165 and 166.” Two of the candidates rushed out the door. The third just sat there—and he got the job. Why?

Answer: Everyone knows this, but not many people think about it. There is nothing between pages 165 and 166, just as there’s nothing between pages one and two of the book. Page one is the right-hand page and page two is printed on the back of that page.

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Click here https://jimhurd.com/home/  to subscribe to this WINGSPREAD ezine, sent direct to your email inbox, every month. You will receive a free article for subscribing. Please share this URL with interested friends, “like” it on Facebook, retweet on Twitter, etc.

If you wish to unsubscribe from this Wingspread Ezine, send an email to hurd@usfamily.net and put in the subject line: “unsubscribe.” (I won’t feel bad, promise!) Thanks.

Wisdom

Football Wisdom

“Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport.” 
– Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State 

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, the coach’s post-game message to his
team was: “All those who need showers, take them.” 
– John McKay / USC 

 If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” 
– Murray Warmath / Minnesota 

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.” 
– Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.” 
– Darrell Royal / Texas 

“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” 
– John McKay / USC 

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” 
– Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday. 

Mary brings good News to Eve

WINGSPREAD Ezine for February, 2023


“Spreading your wings in a perplexing world”

February 2023                                                            James P. Hurd

Please forward and share this E-zine with anyone. Thank you.

Contents

  • Blessed Unbeliever release
  • Writer’s Corner
  • New story
  • This month’s puzzler
  • Wingspread Ezine subscription information
  • Wisdom

BLESSED UNBELIEVER is published!

In Blessed Unbeliever, Sean McIntosh has good reason to doubt his fundamentalist faith— he’s just lost his girlfriend and his life dream of aviation. But when he turns to unbelief, he finds it harder than he ever imagined—especially at Torrey Bible Institute! So he commits a secret act of blasphemy to convince himself he is an atheist. It’s a long journey back to his girlfriend, his life dream, and his faith. (Wipf and Stock, January 2023.)

Order:  https://wipfandstock.com/9781666756951/blessed-unbeliever/

Or, click HERE to view on Amazon.com  (Amazon also has an electronic Kindle version.)

Writers’ Corner

Word of the Month: ENDORSEMENT: A few sentences recommending a book—often found on the back cover.

Tip of the month: Normally, you do not use a comma if you’re joining two sentences:

Wrong: Bill went downtown, and Sally went to the country.

Correct: Bill went downtown and Sally went to the country.

Author of the month: IGNATIUS. A first century Christian bishop who, while on the way to Rome to die a martyr’s death, wrote a letter to Bishop Polycarp in which he speaks of the invisible God become visible. An early proclamation of the Christ.

Book of the month: CELTIC DAILY PRAYER. (Books I and II.) Northumbria Community. A marvelous book of scriptures and daily readings, including writings by Celtic Christians.

Immortal lines in movies. Eric contributed: “It’s too bad she won’t live, but then again, who does?” (one policeman to another in Blade Runner)

Yes, but why are you here?

New story: Chiapas Air Ambulance

https://jimhurd.com/2023/02/01/chiapas-air-ambulance/

We’re circling over Corralito, a remote airstrip in Chiapas State, Mexico. I check for animals on the strip and wonder if the injured Tzeltal Indian man is still alive. The tiny strip lies tucked in below a cornfield on a terraced hillside, so I need to approach around a low hill. At the last minute the airstrip appears in my windshield. We bank, line up with the strip and soon feel the long grass under our wheels as we taxi the red and white Cessna 180 over to where Mario lies inert on a stretcher with his tumid stomach bulging below his pulled-up shirt.

Antonio, his brother, stands by mute while another man talks to me in Spanish. “Capitán, Mario was feeding stalks into the trapiche sugar cane press when the horse’s bar turned and squeezed him against the press.” As we lay the injured man in the airplane, I think, he’s young; he has a good chance of pulling through. . . .  To read more, click above.

(Leave a comment on the website and share with others: https://jimhurd.com . Thanks.)

This month’s puzzler:

Drake, the head detective, has three candidates who’ve applied for an assistant detective job, so he decides to test them with a little quiz. “Look guys, there’s a crime that needs to be solved and there’s a clue in one of the public libraries in Bakersfield. The clue is stuck inside a book, between pages 165 and 166. The book was written by two famous brothers about cars.”

Two of the guys jump up and bolt out the door. The third guy just sits there. Drake says, “You got the job.” Why did he get the job? What did he know that the other two guys didn’t know?  Hint: an author might be more likely to get this puzzler. (Answer next month.)

Last month’s puzzler: Recall that Mrs. Simmons, the suburban housewife, was very fond of her mother-in-law. One morning after breakfast, she went shopping and then stopped as she often did, to have a mid-morning cup of coffee with the older woman. When Mrs. Simmons returned home, the first thing she saw was the grizzly remains of her husband . . .

Instead of calling a doctor or the police, she calmly went about her domestic chores. Why?

Answer: Walking in her door, Mrs. Simmons viewed the vase containing her husband’s cremains.

Subscribe free to this Ezine : 

Click here https://jimhurd.com/home/  to subscribe to this WINGSPREAD ezine, sent direct to your email inbox, every month. You will receive a free article for subscribing. Please share this URL with interested friends, “like” it on Facebook, retweet on Twitter, etc.

If you wish to unsubscribe from this Wingspread Ezine, send an email to hurd@usfamily.net and put in the subject line: “unsubscribe.” (I won’t feel bad, promise!) Thanks.

Wisdom

 Creative new words:   

Reintarnation (n.): coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Sarchasm (n.): the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Osteopornosis (n.): a degenerate disease

Decafhalon (n.): getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Beelzebug (n.): satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three a.m. and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): the color you turn when you discover only half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Cashtration (n.): the act of buying a house that renders the subject financially impotent.

Intaxication (n.): euphoria at getting a tax refund, then realizing it was always your money anyway.

Karmageddon (n.): It’s like, when everybody is sending off these bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

I mean, you’ve got to be kidding.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

#9. Death is the number one killer in the world.

#8. Life is sexually transmitted.

#7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6. Men have two motivations: hunger and sex, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2. In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Chiapas Air Ambulance

A repeat of a story blogged four years ago.

(Please share this story with others and “rate” it, below.)

We’re circling over Corralito, a remote airstrip in Chiapas State, Mexico. I check for animals on the strip and wonder if the injured Tzeltal Indian man is still alive. The tiny strip lies tucked in below a terraced cornfield on a hillside, so I need to approach around a low hill. At the last minute the airstrip appears in my windshield. We bank, line up with the strip and soon we feel the long grass under our wheels as we taxi the red and white Cessna 180 over to where Mario lies inert on a stretcher with his tumid stomach bulging below his pulled-up shirt.

Antonio, his brother, stands by mute while another man talks to me in Spanish. “Capitán, Mario was feeding stalks into the trapiche sugar cane press when the horse’s bar turned and squeezed him against the press.” As we lay the injured man in the airplane, I think, he’s young; he has a good chance of pulling through.

We depart Corralito for our home base. San Cristobal sits on the Pan American highway at an altitude of 7,200 feet, landlocked in the bottom of a vast basin with high mountains surrounding. Last night a squally norther blew across the region and its soggy remains still stick fast to the mountains. I test the entrails of the storm, probing one cloud-clogged pass after another. Finally I see a bit of light where the Comitán highway snakes between two hills. We high-jump the pass and then drop down into San Cristobal bowl. We can see the ground, but a solid wall of clouds plugs the path ahead! I bank steeply in the cramped head of the valley to reverse course, pulling on flaps to decrease our turning radius. We cut it so close it seems the wing seems buried halfway into the mountainside. Even using the best angle of climb we barely make it back through the narrow pass. I almost decide to divert to Tuxtla down in the valley, but at the last minute we slide through a hole along the rim and drop down into the huge San Cristobal bowl.

After landing in the late afternoon light, Chuck, the chief pilot, helps me load Mario into our old Chevy van to drive him to the small hospital for X-rays. The doctor tells us, “His interior organs are damaged. He needs to go to Tuxtla.”

We can’t fly at night; we must take him down the mountain in the van. So again we load him in and soon we’re on our way down the winding road. I think, Antonio must feel helpless in the hands of strangers who are struggling to save his brother’s life. I sit in the back next to the patient, feeling his heaving chest and listening to his hoarse, shallow breathing.

Then white foam bubbles out of his mouth—his lungs must be filling with fluid! I tell Chuck to drive faster. Then his breathing stops.

Antonio asks me in broken Spanish, “Will we get there in time?”

“We’ll try our best.”

Then I realize he’s gone. Antonio begs us to continue on to Tuxtla, but Chuck tells him, “There’s nothing we can do; it’s too late. We’ll have to go back to San Cristobal. If there’s still a little bit of life in him when we arrive, we’ll see the doctor again.”

We head back into town and rouse the doctor in the middle of the night to ask for a death certificate. He gives it to us, but we can’t quickly get the additional permit to transport the body back to Corralito so we’ll have to do it secretly. We drive into our darkened hangar and carefully lay the man onto the floor of the plane. His forlorn brother works to arrange the limp limbs before rigor mortis sets in. I get back to my hostel late, vomit, and then lie sleepless all night. It’s the first time I’ve seen a man die.

 

The next day at first light, Chuck takes off to fly the body back to Corralito. Antonio, dejected, sits in the copilot seat. I walk outside the hangar feeling the morning chill, my eyes following the plane as it climbs out over the valley—a tiny red dot silhouetted against the green mountains. I know something of grace in my life; I now pray grace for the dear, waiting family who must plan for a funeral. I trust that our work can continue here and that our flight service can help lighten the load for many of these Chiapanecos.

Click HERE to view Blessed Unbeliever on Amazon.com

Wingspread Ezine for January, 2023


“Spreading your wings in a perplexing world”

January 2023                                                  James P. Hurd

Please forward and share this E-zine with anyone. Thank you.

Contents

  • Blessed Unbeliever release!
  • Writers Corner
  • New story: Clutchers Car Club
  • This month’s puzzler
  • Wingspread Ezine subscription information
  • Wisdom

BLESSED UNBELIEVER is in press!

In Blessed Believer, Sean McIntosh has good reason to doubt his fundamentalist faith— he’s just lost his girlfriend and his life dream of aviation. But when he turns to unbelief, he finds it harder than he ever imagined—especially at Torrey Bible Institute! So he commits a secret act of sacrilege to convince himself he’s an atheist. It’s a long journey back to his girlfriend, his life dream, and his faith. (Wipf and Stock, 2023.)

Buy here: https://wipfandstock.com/9781666756951/blessed-unbeliever/
or on Amazon (Kindle format coming soon).

Writers Corner

Word of the Month: ENDORSEMENTS: The short paragraphs written on the back cover, recommending a book to the reader (see above).

Tip of the month: PROOFREADING. 1. Print out your piece and read it out loud to yourself. 2. Get a couple of people (readers or writers preferred) to read your piece through. 3. Professional proofreading is expensive but may be necessary.

Your turn:     What is the most memorable line you’re read, or heard in a movie? Email me your favorite at hurd@usfamily.net. Example: Where Harry says, “Go ahead; make my day” (Clint Eastwood, Sudden Impact, 1983).

I’ll post your responses here next week.

Last week I asked you about the best short story you’ve ever read. Two of my personal favorites come to mind.

Jack London, “Two Boys on a Mountain.” Makes your hands sweat.

Nathaniel Hawthorne, “The Hollow of the Three Hills,” about an unfaithful wife encountering a witch. Horror and despair.

This is the woman I married . . .

New story: Clutchers Car Club  

 https://jimhurd.com/2023/01/03/clutchers-car-club/

This is a background story based on my novel, Blessed Unbeliever, about Sean McIntosh and Kathleen Wilberforce in the 1950s. It gives some background on Reggie Radcliffe, Sean’s enemy.

After he arrived at Stanton, Reggie Radcliffe single-handedly birthed the Clutchers Car Club—a coterie of church kids, all motorheads. One dark Tuesday night in spring 1959, the Clutchers gathered as usual in the barn at Jeff Adam’s Villa Park orange ranch. A dry Santa Ana wind whipped the branches, flinging oranges off the trees like projectiles. Cars pulled in and parked among the trees. As the guys walked into the barn, which was swept and all alight, a small radio played Bobby Darin—“I want a dream lover, so I don’t have to dream alone. . . .”    
To read more, click above   

(Leave a comment on the website and share with others: https://jimhurd.com . Thanks.)

This month’s puzzler

This is from a book of riddles collected by Agnes Rogers. Mrs. Simmons, a suburban housewife, was very fond of her mother-in-law. One morning after breakfast, she went shopping and then stopped as she often did, to have a mid-morning cup of coffee with the older woman. When Mrs. Simmons returned home, the first thing she saw was the grizzly remains of her husband . . .

Instead of calling a doctor or the police, she calmly went about her domestic chores. Why?

Answer to last month’s puzzler: You recall the defendant was rightly convicted by the jury but the judge was compelled to let him go free. Why? Answer: The guy was one half of a Siamese twin and it would have been unfair to the other half if the guy was imprisoned. (I know: a rare occurrence, and kind of a lame puzzler! Please do not erase me from your memory!  😊)

“Was it something I said?”

Subscribe free to this Ezine  

Click here https://jimhurd.com/home/  to subscribe to this WINGSPREAD ezine, sent direct to your email inbox, every month. You will receive a free article for subscribing. Please share this URL with interested friends, “like” it on Facebook, retweet on Twitter, etc.

If you wish to unsubscribe from this Wingspread Ezine, send an email to hurd@usfamily.net and put in the subject line: “unsubscribe.” (I won’t feel bad, promise!) Thanks.

Wisdom

There’s this hot dog stand, and a Buddhist walks up and says, “Make me one with everything.” 

Why did the Hindu patient refuse to take Novocain from the Buddhist dentist?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”   C.S. Lewis

More football

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” 
– Frank Leahy / Notre Dame 

“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”
-Ohio State’s Urban Meyer on one of his players: 

“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s” 
– Alex Karras / Iowa 

WINGSPREAD Ezine for December, 2022


“Spreading your wings in a perplexing world”

December 2022                                                           James P. Hurd

Please forward and share this E-zine with anyone. Thank you.

Contents

  • New story
  • This month’s puzzler
  • Writer’s Corner
  • Blessed Believer is in press!
  • Wingspread Ezine subscription information
  • Wisdom

This is your Christmas meme. (You’re welcome.)

New story: “Why Do I Make Stupid Mistakes?”

I do stupid things. I know; everyone does. But I’ve elevated it to an art form. I turn on the wrong stove burner, miss doctor’s appointments, forget to put the car in park. I’ve locked my padlock key in the gym locker, forgotten to close the garage door for the night, forgotten to lock the house doors, showed up for a wedding, and later a funeral, on the wrong day, turned into the wrong side of a divided highway, backed into a light pole guywire, etc.

Take when I crashed my 2011 Toyota Prius. The hybrid Prius is easy to get used to. But being a hybrid, the car runs on an engine plus an electric motor, and the car can be “on” even when the engine is stopped.

This day I pull up to our mailbox and put the four-way flashers on. When I jump out, the car begins rolling forward until I jump back in and slam on the brake.

Another time I’m waiting in line for gas and get out to see how many cars are ahead of me. The car starts rolling. I jump in and brake just before I slam into the car in front of me.

I tell myself, “I’ll never do that again.” But  I do, and the next time I pay for it. . . .

To read more, click here:   https://jimhurd.com/2022/12/06/why-do-i-make-stupid-mistakes/

(Leave a comment on the website and share with others: https://jimhurd.com . Thanks.)

This month’s puzzler

(Thanks to Tom and Ray, “Car Talk”)

A man is accused of a crime. He comes before a judge and jury and is tried for said crime. Wicked crime, like murder or something. A heinous crime, indeed. 

And he is convicted. The judge says, “Your guilt has been proven. The jury has found you guilty. Yet by law, I am compelled to set you free.”

The jury has found him guilty. What kind of a crime could he have committed that the judge is bound to set him free? 

(Hints: He did not commit suicide; no statute of limitations issues)

(Another hint: It’s kind of a stupid answer . . . or at least very rare, but it makes sense.)

Answer to last month’s puzzler: 

Fred and Gertie. The car’s out of gas. He tells her to lock the doors and don’t let anyone in; he’s going to walk back to the gas station. When he comes back with a few gallons of gas, there is also a police officer outside the car. They approach the car simultaneously. And there they see Gertie lying in the back seat apparently unconscious. And in the seat next to her is a stranger!

But the car is locked, windows up, sunroof shut tight. She didn’t let anyone in. There is no evidence at all that anyone has broken into the car, and she did not unlock it.

The policeman seeing this whole thing now doesn’t ask any questions of anyone, including the stranger. Immediately, he knew exactly what happened. 

So, what happened to Gertie? Who is the stranger? And how did he get it?

And here is the answer: There was no foul play. Gertie passed out in the throes of childbirth. The stranger was their newborn child and that’s why no one asked any questions. And that’s why no one had to break in. And of course, we all now know where the stranger came from. (Let’s hope Gertie fully recovers.)

Writers’ Corner

“Blessed Unbeliever” is in press!

In Blessed Believer, Sean McIntosh has good reason to doubt his fundamentalist faith: he’s just lost his girlfriend and his life dream of aviation. He burns his Bible but finds atheism harder than he ever imagined—especially at Torrey Bible Institute! Can he find his way back to faith?(Wipf and Stock, fall, 2023. Launch party, advance discounts, excerpts, book signings, etc. to follow.)

Tip of the month: Do not forget the DENOUEMENT—the explanation of how things turn out in the story. Don’t leave the reader hanging. Pull all the loose ends together.

Word of the Month: PLOT ARC. The rise and fall of the action throughout the novel. Parts of the plot arc: inciting incident, the problem, trying to solve the problem, the crisis, the resolution of the problem, denouement

Religious disingenuity

YOUR TURN:     What is the greatest, best short story you have ever read, and why? (I will list your picks in our next newsletter.)      

Subscribe free to this Ezine  

Click here https://jimhurd.com/home/  to subscribe to this WINGSPREAD ezine, sent direct to your email inbox, every month. You will receive a free article for subscribing. Please share this URL with interested friends, “like” it on Facebook, retweet on Twitter, etc.

If you wish to unsubscribe from this Wingspread Ezine, send an email to hurd@usfamily.net and put in the subject line: “unsubscribe.” (I won’t feel bad, promise!) Thanks.

Wisdom

Football

Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football . . .” 
– John Heisman, first football coach at Rice 

“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” 
– Bear Bryant / Alabama 

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” 
– Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. 
That costs money, and we don’t have any.” 
– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern 

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.” 
– Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Notre Dame 

“When you win, nothing hurts.” 
– Joe Namath / Alabama 

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” 
– Bob Devaney / Nebraska 

“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.” 
– Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee 

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.” 
– Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State 

(This one requires a bit of biblical knowledge)

WINGSPREAD Ezine for November, 2022

“Spreading your wings in a perplexing world”

November 2022                                                           James P. Hurd

Please forward, and share this Ezine with anyone. Thank you.

Contents

  • Wingspread E-zine subscription information
  • New story” “Saving at the Pump”
  • This month’s puzzler and last month’s winner
  • Writer’s Corner
  • New novel (Blessed Unbeliever) is sent to publisher!
  • How to purchase Wingspread: A Memoir of Faith and Flying

*****************************************

 Buy James Hurd’s Wingspread: A Memoir of Faith and Flying  How childhood (Fundamentalist) faith led to mission bush-piloting in South America—and Barbara. Buy it here:  https://jimhurd.com/home/  (or order it at Barnes and Noble, Amazon, etc.) 

See pics here related to Wingspread: Of Faith and Flying: http://www.pinterest.com/hurd1149/wingspread-of-faith-and-flying/

New story: Saving at the pump

It seemed so simple. I needed gas, so I stopped at Holiday to fill up, clutching my five-cent discount coupon and my Cub discount card. But the pump wouldn’t scan the five-cent discount card so I walked in.

Me: Can I use this five-cent discount coupon along with my Cub card discount for gas?

He: Yep. But you can’t scan the discount coupon at the pump.

Me: Okay. I’ll pump my gas, then come in and pay.

He: We don’t do that anymore. You have to either prepay or use your credit card at the pump.

Me: But I can’t use my discount card at the pump.

He: You can, but you have to prepay.

Me: Okay. I’ll prepay, but I want to fill up the tank.

He: How many gallons does it hold?

Me: Dunno. It’s almost empty. . .

To read more, click here:   https://jimhurd.com/2022/11/01/saving-at-holiday-with-coupons/

(*Please leave a comment on the website. Thanks.)

This month’s puzzler: Ask No Questions

(Thanks to Tom and Ray, “Car Talk”)

On this particular day, Fred and Gertie are in the car and he is driving way too fast. He realizes he is about to run out of gas. So, he decides to pull over on the side of the highway. He pulls over into the far-right lane, and then realizes that he went past the exit for the gas station about half a mile back. He decides to run back to the exit to get gas. He tells his wife Gertie, “Hey, lock the doors and don’t let anyone in. I’ll be back in a flash. Lock the doors and don’t let anyone in, no matter what.”

He goes off down the road. Sometime later, he comes back with a few gallons of gasoline. And as he approaches the car, he sees a police car stopping with flashing lights. He and the police arrive at the car simultaneously. Both Fred and the police look into the car. It is still locked. Gertie is inside, unconscious. Possibly near death’s door. And there is a stranger in the car. The husband opens the door because he has the key, of course. And the policeman sees Gertie and the stranger. 

But he asks no questions as to what has happened to Gertie.

Here are the puzzler questions. How did the stranger get into the car? Gertie did not open the door, and it was locked on all sides, windows were rolled up, vents closed and the sunroof shut tight.

So, what happened to Gertie? Why was she unconscious?

Who was the stranger? How did the stranger get in?

Good luck with this one!

Answer to last month’s puzzler and announcing the winner! 

Recall that your captors drop you off by helicopter in the middle of a long, narrow island, leaving you with only a box of matches, a flashlight, a blanket, and a large jug of water. Lightning strikes and starts a fire at one end of the island. Worse, a strong wind is blowing the fire toward you. You cannot escape from the island. How do you save yourself from the flames?

What you do is use a firefighters’ trick. You start a fire and let the wind carry it. This will make a firebreak that will spread downwind. After it is burned you can take shelter in it and it will stop the fire. You’re safe.

 (‘Course you’ll soon starve, but that’s another issue.)

Puzzler winner: A random pick from all the correct answers revealed that the winner is (drumroll . . .): Steve Eckhardt, St. Paul! He’ll receive a free copy of my book: Wingspread: A Memoir of Faith and Flying. Thanks.

Writers’ Corner

Today, I delivered Blessed Unbeliever (provisional title) into the hands of Wipf and Stock (Eugene, Oregon)! I expect it to be published this summer. Launch party, advance discounts, excerpts, book signings, etc. to follow.

Sean McIntosh grows up and is baptized in a fundamentalist church that provides answers to all his questions. But now, he asks:

  • Why did my father die young?
  • Why did Reggie steal Kathleen away from me? (Reggie’s not even a real fundamentalist)
  • Why did I fail in getting into the aviation program when that is all I ever wanted to do?
  • Why do I have so many doubts about the Bible and about prayer?
  • And, how do I raise any of these doubts if I’m stuck in a Bible Institute that provides answers, but answers to very different questions? I think I’ll try out atheism
  • How does a person do atheism well? . . .

Tip of the month: Your first draft should contain no adjectives and especially no adverbs. You can always go back and stick one in if it’s indispensable. For instance, Elmore Leonard used to say, “Never use the word ‘suddenly’; never.” This beautifully leans down your writing: your goal is strong nouns and verbs.

Words of the Month: FRENEMY, PORTMANTEAU. The first, frenemy, illustrates why no one should have to learn all the new words people are coining. It means friendship with someone you dislike, or conflict with someone you like. Why do I need to learn this? You should decide either/or; don’t pee down both legs of your pants. Portmanteau is an old-timey word meaning a large suitcase. But here it is used to mean crunching two words together: frenemy (friend-enemy) or podcast (ipod broadcast). So, if you don’t know either word, or don’t want to learn either, no worries—you can do just fine without either of them.

Subscribe free to this Ezine  

Click here https://jimhurd.com/home/  to subscribe to this WINGSPREAD ezine, sent direct to your email inbox, every month. You will receive a free article for subscribing. Please share this URL with interested friends, “like” it on Facebook, retweet on Twitter, etc.

If you wish to unsubscribe from this Wingspread Ezine, send an email to hurd@usfamily.net and put in the subject line: “unsubscribe.” (I won’t feel bad, promise!) Thanks.

Wisdom:

The Amish answer to climate change

Things to ponder:

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a clinic to donate blood. The doctor says to the rabbit: “What’s your blood type?” With great sadness, the rabbit replied, “I’m probably a Typo”

My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used that repairman since…

I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

 

Follow “james hurd” on Facebook, or “@hurdjp” on Twitter

 

Spread your wings this month!

Saving at the Pump

It seemed so simple. I needed gas, so I stopped at Holiday to fill up, clutching my five-cent discount coupon and my Cub discount card. But the pump wouldn’t scan the five-cent discount card so I walked in.

Me: Can I use this five-cent discount coupon along with my Cub card discount for gas?

He: Yep. But you can’t scan the discount coupon at the pump.

Me: Okay. I’ll pump my gas, then come in and pay.

He: We don’t do that anymore. You have to either prepay or use your credit card at the pump.

Me: But I can’t use my discount card at the pump.

He: You can, but you have to prepay.

Me: Okay. I’ll prepay, but I want to fill up the tank.

He: How many gallons does it hold?

Me: Dunno. It’s almost empty.

He: Well, how many gallons do you want to prepay?

Me: I guess I’ll prepay ten gallons.

I pay with my bank card, plus give him the five-cent discount coupon plus the Cub discount card.

He: Okay. Here’s your receipt.

Me: But this shows I paid the full amount, with no discounts.

He: They’ll take it off at the pump.

I go to the pump and the pump does not reflect any discounts. I try to insert my Cub card and it won’t take it. So I lift the 87 octane lever and start pumping. It takes 9.6 gallons to fill it. I go back into the store.

Me: It didn’t take ten gallons. And it didn’t show any discount. Can you refund me?

He: Oh; they’ll take it off your credit card bill.

So I go home and check the purchase online for my credit card. The purchase is posted at the full price and says “pending.” I wait two days. No longer pending, but they’ve charged the full ten gallons and given me no discounts. I go back to Holiday.

Me: I got gas here a couple days ago with my discount cards and they charged me full price, plus they charged me for ten gallons and I only pumped 9.6 gallons.

He: Give it about five days and see if they credit your discount.

A few days later I see a puzzling $2.99 credited to my credit card with no explanation. Does that cover my overcharge plus give me the discounts?

Next time I go in, I prepay seven gallons. They ring it up with the five-cent discount coupon and give me the receipt. But when I go out to pump the gas I mistakenly pick up the E-85 nozzle, then put it back. Now the 87-octane nozzle won’t pump. I walk back it and do the transaction over.

Me: Do any other people use this discount coupon? How do they do it?

He: Yep. They just pay ahead of time.

Overall, I think I saved forty-five cents with the discount. I have only one question: How do other people do this? Or is it just me?

It’s me, isn’t it?

WINGSPREAD Ezine for September, 2022


“Spreading your wings in a perplexing world”

September 2022                                                          James P. Hurd

Please forward and share this ezine with anyone. Thank you.

Contents

• New story
• This month’s new puzzler and BOOK GIVEAWAY!
• Writer’s Corner
• How to purchase Wingspread: A Memoir of Faith and Flying
• Wisdom (football and otherwise)
Wingspread Ezine subscription information

****************************************

 New (true) story: Egg McMuffin Miracle

After breakfast we get Calvin’s attention when we start packing up his stuff to take to Goodwill. “Hey! What’re you doing!”

“Calvin, we need to begin moving you out.” He lapses into an angry silence . . .

To read more, click here:   https://jimhurd.com/2022/08/31/egg-mcmuffin-miracle/

(*Please leave a comment on the website. Thanks.)

This month’s puzzler

You were kidnapped and dropped off by helicopter in the middle of a deserted island. The island is 10 miles long and only 100 yards wide. 500-foot cliffs all around and no chance of escape. But your captors were considerate: they left you a large jug of water, a flashlight, a box of matches, and a blanket.

That cold night, a flash of lightning lights up the sky and strikes one end of the island, starting a fire. Worse, a strong wind is blowing the fire straight toward you!

Question:  How do you save yourself from the fire?

Email the correct answer to hurd@usfamily.net  and you’ll be entered in a drawing for a FREE ENDORSED COPY of my book, Wingspread: A Memoir of Faith and Flying!

Email your puzzler answer, including your email address, to hurd@usfamily.net. I will collect all the correct answers and randomly select one name to win an endorsed copy of Wingspread. You must submit your answer by September 30. I’ll email the winner to ask for your postal mailing address and then mail you the book. (Answer next month.)

Last month’s puzzler: 

Recall: On the back of the old $10 bills there was a depiction of the United States Treasury Building. And in front of the Treasury Building, there is a car. (When they printed the new bills, they took the car out.) 

The puzzler question was, what make and model of car was it and we gave a hint that it was at least 50 years old. We warned you that you’d need to do some research.

Answer: A 1926 Hupmobile. No one has ever heard of a Hupmobile! But there it is. 

Writers’ Corner

BLESSED UNBELIEVER is coming out!

Wipf and Stock will publish BLESSED UNBELIEVER (provisional title). next summer. (I’ll let you know about launch party and book signings.) One question the novel raises: Have you ever made a dangerous, unwise decision, then felt Grace calling you back? Email me at hurd@usfamily.net and I’ll publish your answer in the October Wingspread Ezine.

Book teaser: Sean loses his father, his best girlfriend, his life dream, and finally, his faith. But how can he be a good atheist, especially when he’s stuck at Torrey Bible Institute? He can’t see it, but grace is coming . . .

Tip of the month: Your grammar, punctuation, and spelling must be consistent. Microsoft Word has a powerful search engine to help you. For example you can search for the paragraph symbol by using control-caret-p (^p). Any digit (^$). Oxford commas (, and) and many other searches. Especially useful if you wish to make global changes to maintain consistency in your usages. For instance, if you wish to change British spelling (recognise) to English spelling, you can do a “search and replace” to replace “recognize” with “recognize.”

Word of the Month:  SYNOPSIS: A short summary of your whole piece in only a page or two. These can be hard to write!

Buy James Hurd’s Wingspread: A Memoir of Faith and Flying  How childhood (Fundamentalist) faith led to mission bush-piloting in South America—and Barbara. Buy it here:  https://jimhurd.com/home/  (or order it at Barnes and Noble, Amazon, etc.) 

See pics here related to Wingspread: Of Faith and Flying: http://www.pinterest.com/hurd1149/wingspread-of-faith-and-flying/

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It’s almost fall and football time! Here’s some football wisdom for you:

“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” 
– John McKay / USC 

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” 
– Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State’s Urban Meyer on one of his players: 
“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? 
They play dead at home and get killed on the road. 

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football “. . . 

– John Heisman, first football coach at Rice 

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” 
– Frank Leahy / Notre Dame 

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.” 
– Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State 

“Football is NOT a contact sport. Dancing is a contact sport.” Football is a collision sport. 
– Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State 

“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s” 
– Alex Karras / Iowa

These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four-letter words:

  • “He had delusions of adequacy ” – Walter Kerr
  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”- Winston Churchill
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. – Clarence Darrow
  • “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
  • “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”- Ernest Hemingway about William Faulkner
  • “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here” – Stephen Bishop
  • “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. – Paul Keating
  • “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
  • “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
  • “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts . . . for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
  • “He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

Spread your wings and fly this month!